This article was originally published on SubStack, but it has been republished here as this site will serve as the long term record for my thoughts, for good or ill.
GM: Alright, is everyone good to head south? Any last farewells? Is your plan still to make for the Gap of Rohan?
Aragorn: Yep. I’m ready to go.
Frodo: Me too.
Legolas: Me three.
GM: Cool. You find yourself leaving Rivendell by the southern road. The Misty Mountains rise menacingly on your left side as you journey south. You journey for two days with no trouble. Some of the hobbits may complain about the pace, but Gandalf simply produces some lembas or sausages to distract them. On the third day, Legolas, you notice a dark flock of birds flying from the south.
Legolas: Can I tell what kind of bird?
GM: You can see that they look like much larger crows. I’m not sure you would’ve heard of these before.
Legolas: I tell Aragorn and Gandalf about them.
GM: Aragorn you know these are Crebain. Saruman uses them as spies.
Aragorn: Wait, so the passage south is being watched? Seriously. And I’m guessing there isn’t a way south besides the Gap of Rohan?
GM: Well, its possible you might find a way to avoid detection. You could also head southwest a bit towards Ered Nimrais, which would take you to the far western edge of Gondor and then back west towards Minis Tirith, but that would be a significantly longer journey. I mean that would likely add months.
Aragorn: So basically you’ve blocked us from going south.
GM: Um… Gandalf speaks up and says “We could cross the Misty Mountains.” Aragorn you know that there is the pass of Caradhras, which takes you past the largest peak in the entire mountain range.
Aragorn: Alright, let’s do that I guess.
GM: Gandalf says “Caradhras may also be watched by Saruman. There is another path, a darker path. I know it will not be watched by Saruman, but it is dangerous.”
Aragorn: I would rather be spotted by spies than go through a dangerous path I’ve never heard of, but that’s me personally.
Legolas: It is not yet winter. The mountain pass sounds safer.
Frodo: Just don’t let me get swamped in snow.
GM: You begin the slow climb up through the foothills of the Misty Mountains. As you ascend higher and higher, the path becomes a narrow landing along a cliff face. Looking down to your right you can see jagged peaks and dark pits that you would be lost to forever. Boromir has one hand on Merry and another on Pippin as you all shimmy across the ledge. Soon the path widens, but snow falls quickly. After only a few minutes, a foot of snow is on the ground. Then you hear the mountain rumble. Everyone make a dexterity check.
Aragorn: Oh great. Success.
Frodo: Success.
Legolas: Uh I would have advantage on this, because… I’m an elf? Right?
GM: I think that makes sense.
Legolas: Critical success!
GM: You all slam against the cliff wall to avoid several falling boulders. They crash past you harmlessly. Legolas doesn’t even leave footprints in the snow as he dashes around. The snow and wind are picking up though. The rumbling has died down, but it is still audible.
Aragorn: Okay, so how much progress have we made? How much further is it?
GM: You have made it a quarter of the way through the pass. It is snowing harder and harder as you progress though.
Aragorn: In other words you’ve blocked us again.
GM: …Well, Caradhras is trying to block your passage. Gandalf says-
Aragorn: Which way do you want us to go?
GM: What?
Aragorn: You seem to be railroading us at every step. Which way do you want us to go? We’ll just go that way.
GM: I’m not trying to block you at every step. Saruman is a powerful and smart wizard who had a method for spying near his tower. Caradhras is an angry, old mountain that some even describe as evil.
Aragorn: Is that in your notes? Or are you just making this up?
GM: Well, it’s made up either way. I wrote down that Saruman had crow-like spies, yeah. I didn’t write down anything about Caradhras, but when I made the map and named the peak-
Aragorn: Right so you decided to just screw over our decisions. Fine I say “Gandalf, let’s go do the dark and dangerous passageway.” That’s what you want, right? You prepped it or something?
GM: I prepped it a little bit, but I also prepped the Gap of Rohan and a location on the western side of the Misty Mountains in case you crossed.
Aragorn: Isn’t this supposed to be a sandbox world? How were we supposed to cross the Gap of Rohan or the pass of Caradhras with the obstacles you were putting up?
GM: I’m just doing what the world would do. You can make it through the path of Caradhras and you can make it through the Gap of Rohan, even if you’re spotted. There’s risk and obstacles no matter where you go.
Aragorn: Okay so we go to this dark and secret path.
GM: …You retreat down the mountain. As soon as you turn back you feel the snow lessen and the rumbling retreat entirely. Caradhras is happy to send you packing. Gandalf describes, along with some help from Gimli, the Mines of Moria. It is another day to reach the entrance, hidden amongst the stone foundations of the Misty Mountains. Gandalf stops near a small lake and stares perplexed at the stone.
Aragorn: …what now?
GM: Gandalf says “The door is here, sealed with Dwarven magic. It will appear in the moonlight.” He starts to make camp.
Aragorn: Fine, I guess we make camp and wait until dark.
GM: Once the sun sets and the clouds part, you see moonlight fall on the stone and ancient, glowing elven writing and artistry reveals the door.
Aragorn: I step forward and open the door.
GM: It doesn’t have any handle, seam, or jamb as far as you can see. Gandalf reads the writing aloud: “The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter.”
Aragorn: …Did you prep this.
GM: If I say no, what will-
Aragorn’s player leaps from the couch with a furious energy. He seizes a mounted sword from his apartment wall and brings it down against the gaming table. Torn character sheets, half-finished drinks, and a variety of chips go flying in every direction. The other players flee. Aragorn’s player grabs the GM’s notes and flips through them wildly. He finds no mention of the phrase “speak, friend, and enter”. The notes drift loosely from his hand. He falls to his knees. He is wracked with sobs. He cries out, vindicated, “it wasn’t in prep! He railroaded me when I tried to open the door! I knew it!”
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